# 13553
Bertil Bertilsson har avlidit, 1940 - 2003.
"One-linerns" svenske Mästare. Ett exempel:

- Vet du varför astronauter inte har aids?
- Rymden har ingen ända.

A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, so she puts him in The closet and shuts the door. Her husband also comes home, so she puts her lover in the closet, With the little boy.

The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy it." Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?" Boy - "$175.00"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball mitt." The lover remembering the last time asks the boy, "How much?" Boy - "$375.00" Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy - "$550.00"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that, that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again.

*

Vad kallas en web-journalist?
e-korre!
Varför då?
Han sitter i etern och jiddrar och chattar. När han väl får tag i en nöt har han lika svårt för att knäcka den som vilken annan ekorre som helst.

*

Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar, talking about their professions.
The first guy says, "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E., you know....Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist."
The second guy says, "I'm a D.I.N.K., you know......Double Income, No Kids."
The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B., you know......Rich, Urban, Biker."
They turn to the woman and ask her, "What are you?"
She replies, "I'm a W.I.F.E., you know.......Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."

*

A shy, drunken, innocent young man walked up to a beautiful young woman in a pub and asked her, "Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?"
"Yes I do," replied the beautiful young woman, "But go ahead, as I'm sure you're going to ask me anyway."
"OK," said the shy, drunken, innocent young man, "How many men have you slept with?"
"That's my business!" snapped the woman.
"Oh, right!" said the young man, "I didn't realize you made a living at it! "

*

Max and Abe had become newly rich partners for ten years. They decided to celebrate their anniversary in business, with a deluxe dinner at The Waldorf. It was glorious.
Near the end of the meal, the waiter served fingerbowls. Abe said, "Max, what is this in the little paper cup inside the silver dish?"
Max answered, "I don't know what it is, but everything else was good. This will be good, too. So eat it, and never mind what it is."
Abe replied, "Max, you know me, I can't eat it if I don't know what it is!" and he called out to the waiter. Max snapped, "Please, don't embarrass me by showing your ignorance. It'll be good, eat it."
Just then the waiter arrived, and Abe asked, "Waiter, what is this in the paper cup in the little silver bowl?"
The waiter answered, "That is a fingerbowl, sir. When you have finished your meal, you may dip your fingers in it to cleanse them, and wipe them on your napkin." And the waiter walked away.
As soon as he did, Max said, "You see? You ask a foolish question, you get a foolish answer!"

*

After a hard week at the office, a young lady decided to see a movie by herself and just relax. The movie she picked was a popular one, and the house was packed.
She finally found a lone seat in the middle of a row, she excused herself to each person as she slowly worked her way towards the seat, only to find that the guy sitting behind it was slouched down in his seat, with his legs draped over the back of the seat she found.
She asked the man to please remove his legs, so she could sit down. He replied, "Uhhh." She repeated her request a little louder, but again he only replied, "Uhhh!"
"If you don't move your legs, I'm going to get the usher!" responded the woman. "Uhhh!" was his response. She worked her way back out of the aisle, and came back with an usher.
The usher approached the man and said, "Excuse me sir, You'll have to move your legs and sit up. We have a full house tonight, and this is the only available seat."
Again, the man replied, "Uhhh!"
The usher shot back, "Listen to me sir! If you don't move your legs right now, I'll come back with a cop and have you thrown out!" Again, the man only said, "Uhhh!"
"That's it!" snapped the usher, "I'm going to have you thrown out! Where did you come from anyway?"
The man weakly pointed upward and groaned,"The balcony!"

*

A bus full of senior gamblers was driving down the freeway, returning from two days in Las Vegas. A lady passenger comes forward and complains loudly to the driver that some male creep is crawling along the floor and has had the temerity to fondle her. The driver tells her he'll stop as soon as the opportunity presents itself.
As the driver was searching for a good spot to pull over, another female passenger comes forward, complaining of being fondled, too. To the driver's mind, this constitutes an emergency, so he immediately pulls over onto the shoulder and brings the bus to a screeching halt. He proceeds to go back to find the culprit and spies this little baldheaded guy crawling on all fours along the floor of the bus. He confronts the guy and asks him what he's doing on the floor.
"Well," replies the little fellow, "I lost my toupee a few miles back and I thought I'd found it twice until I realized mine's parted on the side."

*

A man and a woman met at a bar. They started getting along really well and they decide to go to her place for a drink.

A few drinks later, the guy took off his shirt and washed his hands. He then took off his socks and washed his hands.

The woman looked at him and said, "You must be a dentist."

Flabbergasted, the guy responded, "Why yes! That's amazing; how did you determine that?"

The woman replied, "Easy. You keep washing your hands."

Well, one thing led to another, and they migrated to the bed. Things became more and more passionate and they made love.

After their passionate deed was done, the woman remarked, "You must be a GREAT dentist!"

The doctor was very surprised, and said, "Yes! Yes! I sure am a great dentist. Wow! You amaze me! And how did you know THAT, my dear?"

His lover retorted, "That's easy. I didn't feel a thing."

*

The new husband had booked sleeping arrangements on the train, thinking he was going to have a roomette or compartment, only to find out he was on one side of the sleeping car in an upper bunk and his wife was in the other one across from him. At about midnight, he wanted to have sex with his wife, so he said, "Hey honey! Why don't you come over here?"

His wife replied right back, "Well honey, how will I get over there?"

"Don't worry! I got something you can walk on."

In answer to that, a fellow in the lower berth said, "Yeah, but how is she going to get back?"

*

The pretty young lady was having a tooth pulled. The dentist gave her the usual "This won't hurt a bit" routine before bending over her with a drill in his hand.

He immediately drew back in complete alarm. "Miss," he said in a barely audible whisper, "You have hold of my testicles!"

"Yes, doc, I know," she smiled, "and we aren't going to hurt each other, are we?"

*

The Indians asked their Chief in autumn if the winter was going to be cold or not.
Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold, and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared for a cold winter.
Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?" The man on the phone responded, "This winter is going to be quite cold indeed."
So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find.
Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again, "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely, we made a study," the weather man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"

*

When a guy's printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"

"Actually, it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."

*

Two mice go into a warehouse looking for food. Suddenly one hears the other chewing.
"What did you find?" he asks.
"I am not sure," comes the answer. "It looks like a piece of celluloid from an old movie. Let me see... Ah, yes. It is from 'Gone with the Wind'".
"And how is it?"
"Nothing much. The book was better."

*

En professor i fysik kom åkandes i sin bil utanför mentalsjukhuset när ett hjul plötsligt hoppade av och han blev stillastående. Hjulet och däcket var inget problem, han hade ju ett reservdäck i bakluckan. Men muttrarna hade försvunnit och stod inte att finna. Han kliade sig i huvudsvålen när någon plötsligt ropade till honom från bakom staketet.
- Ska jag tala om för dig hur du skall göra?
Mannen fnyste och tänkte: Hur ska en idiot kunna lösa ett problem som jag inte klarar av.
- Så här gör du. Ta en mutter från vart och ett av de andra hjulen och sätt dit så klarar du dig till macken och kan köpa fler. - Jag må vara idiot. Men jag är inte dum.

*

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.
Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"
They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one.
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is.
"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."
Rippington walks over to the Smith house and knocks on the door. The wife answers and asks what he wants.
Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."
She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!"
Rippington says, "I'll tell him."

*

A young executive was leaving the office at 6 pm when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

*

Two cab drivers met. "Hey," asked one, "what's the idea of painting one side of your cab red and the other side blue?"

"Well," the other responded, "when I get into an accident, you should see how all the witnesses contradict each other."

*

Two women were comparing notes on the difficulties of running a small business.
"I started a new practice last year," the first one said. "I insist that each of my employees take at least a week off every three months."
"Why in the world would you do that?" the other asked.
She responded, "It's the best way I know of to learn which ones I can do without."

*

One morning Bobby's mother was cleaning his room, and she found an S&M magazine under the bed. She was beside herself worrying and stressing trying to think of how to handle the situation.
Finally her husband came home from work and he asked her how her day was. The mother told him about the magazine. Shaking, she asked him how they were going handle this situation.
Her husband sat there for awhile, sighed, and said, "Well, I guess spanking him is out of the question."

*

En butiksägare blev skärrad då en helt ny affär öppnade alldeles intill hans egen och med ungefär samma sortiment. Den nya butiken hade en stor skylt med "Bästa köp".

Han blev skräckslagen när en annan konkurent öppnade på hans andra sida med en lika stor skylt, "lägsta pris". Paniken lade sig inte förräns han fick en god idé och satte upp den största skylten ovanför sin egen affär. Där det stod:

"Huvudingång"

*

In a recent television show in the UK, actor and comedian John Cleese explained three reasons why the British are superior to Americans: 1. They speak English. 2. When they host a "world championship" they invite other countries. 3. Visitors to the head of state are only expected to go down on one knee.

*

Old guy comes home in the middle of the day, finds his young blonde wife standing in the middle of their deluxe apartment wearing a red G-string, 7 inch steel heels, and the whole apartment is flooded.

"What happened here?" he asks.

"I think the waterbed busted," says the trembling wife.

Just then a naked guy floats by.

"Who's that?" demands the husband.

"I dunno, must be a life guard."